Time for a Public Announcement

So, I suppose the time has come for me to come clean. I've tried to keep from sharing but as this thing progresses, it gets harder to hide.

And...for those of you who think I'm about to spill news of a pregnancy...well...get that little thought right out of your minds!

So, here's the big announcement: I'm having brain surgery! [Doesn't that sound like fun?]

[Excerpts from National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke]

What are Chiari malformations?

Chiari malformations (CMs) are structural defects in the cerebellum, the part of the brain that controls balance. Normally the cerebellum and parts of the brain stem sit in an indented space at the lower rear of the skull, above the foramen magnum (a funnel-like opening to the spinal canal). When part of the cerebellum is located below the foramen magnum, it is called a Chiari malformation.

CMs may develop when the bony space is smaller than normal, causing the cerebellum and brain stem to be pushed downward into the foramen magnum and into the upper spinal canal. The resulting pressure on the cerebellum and brain stem may affect functions controlled by these areas and block the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)— the clear liquid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord—to and from the brain.

How are they classified?
Type I involves the extension of the cerebellar tonsils (the lower part of the cerebellum) into the foramen magnum, without involving the brain stem. Normally, only the spinal cord passes through this opening. Type I—which may not cause symptoms—is the most common form of CM and is usually first noticed in adolescence or adulthood, often by accident during an examination for another condition. Type I is the only type of CM that can be acquired.

[End excerpts]

I have Type I Chiari malformation. I was first diagnosed about 12 years ago after a bout with severe occipital migraines with vision impairment. It is still unknown whether the CM was actually to blame for those migraines, which resolved after several rounds of trigger-point injections into the occipital area of my head.

Fast-forward to July 2012.

I crawl into bed one night, close my eyes and suddenly feel as though I'm riding the Gravitron and I can't make it stop. I spend the next several days bouncing in and out of dizzy whirlwinds that don't actually exist. Within a few more days, I notice that it feels like my heart is skipping beats. Basically, I feel: beat---beat---beat---pause------------------beat-beat-beat---beat---beat. This heart thing always happens when I'm dizzy but I can be dizzy and not notice the heart thing. Did that make sense? Anyway, I decided to see the doctor who refers me to a Cardiologist. Diagnosis: Vertigo and Premature Ventricular Contractions. Both "no big deal."

November rolls around and I'm still dizzy a good part of the time and I've been having this niggling little headache. Not like, "I need a tylenol" headache or anything, just more of a "can my head just stop hurting already?!" headache. One day late in the month, I drive over to see my mom at work on my lunch break. 5.0 miles away. I have made the drive hundreds of times over the 14 years I've had a drivers' license. I make 3 wrong turns trying to return to work. At each point, nothing - NOTHING - in my surroundings seems familiar. I finally pull over into a parking lot and use the GPS on my phone to lead me back to work. I would go on to experience several more instances of geographical confusion; eventually using GPS to drive pretty much anywhere.

In January, I make a doctor's appointment for a complete physical. My PCP refers me to a neurologist in Raleigh. Over the next several weeks, I experience lots of testing:

• MRI: Confirmed Chiari Type I. It is this Neurologist's opinion that Chiari is asymptomatic.
• VNG: Diagnosed with 45% Vestibular Loss of Function in left ear. - This Neurologist thinks this is to blame for the dizziness. Prescribes Vestibular Therapy.
• Sleep Study: Diagnosed with sleep apnea with an AHI of 65. This Neurologist thinks this is to blame for fatigue, headaches and confusion. Prescribes CPAP.

In March, I start the therapy for the Vestibular issue. Within 3 weeks of beginning therapy, my nystagmus is worsening, I am having full-blown occipital migraines, and my dizziness symptoms have become so severe that at times, I have trouble walking without supporting myself with a wall or person. I see two separate therapists during this time frame. The first, who does eye testing on me, says, basically, that he is leaning towards this being a "central issue" rather than caused by the vestibular function issue. The other, who does a balance test on me, recommends I see a neurosurgeon with haste believing firmly that the Chiari is to blame.

I have a follow-up with the Neurologist who ordered all those test & made all those decisions. She makes me feel like a hypochondriac and tries to push pills down my throat. At the insistence of a friend at work, I sought a referral for a second opinion.

Somewhere along in this mix, I start having difficulties with "word finding" - I struggle to find the words I'm looking for, or sometimes just say the wrong thing altogether.

Enter: Dr. Justin Mhoon, MD, Chair of the Neurology Division at Duke's Department of Neurology. Dr. Mhoon examines me, spends about 35 minutes talking to me, and orders an MRI with SINE study. This test takes approximately 2 hours. It is an MRI of my head, brain, c-spine and t-spine, with a test to determine the flow of spinal fluid in and around those areas scanned. Results: 1. Findings of Chiari type I malformation with approximately 1.1 cm cerebellar tonsillar ectopy. CSF flow study demonstrates diminished flow posterior to the cerebellum and within the distal jugular system. No cord syrinx is identified.

Dr. Mhoon refers me to a Duke Neurosurgeon and an ENT. After a complete ENT workup that was pointless [Yes, Ms. Hall, you do have a confirmed 45% loss of vestibular function, however, it appears that your brain has already compensated for that loss of function and therapy would not be beneficial to you], I had a consult with Dr. Bagley, Director of Neurosurgery for Duke.

And, sooo, I say all of that to say this:

Sometimes I don't feel well. Sometimes the room is spinning around me. Sometimes I need to use my GPS to drive home from work. Sometimes I really just need to hide and take a nap. Sometimes I just need you to pray for me to have a better day. Sometimes I stumble. Sometimes I catch myself and sometimes I even fall. Sometimes I call the microwave a dishwasher and the can opener a toaster. Sometimes I get mad that you drank all the milk when we're out of bread. Sometimes I'll ask you to put my purse in the sink when there isn't a sink in sight. Sometimes I will forget things that I did or said. Sometimes I will feel like I'm choking or can't get enough air even when there's nothing wrong. Sometimes I won't be able to pick up that paperclip or peel that sticker off my apple. Sometimes it will take all of my energy just to lift my arms.

Please don't judge me. Over the next few months, I will progressively get worse as I have since this time a year ago; so if I say something stupid to you, please just smile and nod like it made perfect sense. And, please remember me in your prayers as December approaches. Surgery is scheduled for December 2 at Duke.

Thank you.

The Issue...or Not

It was all over the news...social media...radio ads. It was everywhere. Fighting on both sides of the fence. Vote FOR Amendment One. Vote AGAINST Amendment One. If you don't vote FOR it, you're not as Christian as me. If you do vote FOR it, you're a hate-mongering Jesus-lover.

I was so sick of hearing about it, that by the time it came time to vote on the "issue" I was glad overjoyed that I was stuck in Chapel Hill most of the day & then completely exhausted to the point of not feeling up to the trip to the poll. So, YEP, you got it.. I'm not as Christian as you are, AND I'm a hate-mongering Jesus-lover because I did neither. ;)

I struggled, truly, over this Amendment. I'd heard the liberal agenda on it...no domestic violence protection, children losing their health benefits, blah blah blah. I'd heard the conservative agenda on it...JESUS said so! Homos are sinners and we hate them! And then I researched it for myself.

But, the truth is, neither of those are exactly right.

Children of unmarried parents both CAN and CANNOT be covered on health insurance benefit policies, based on the carrier & plan host's definition of dependents.

Domestic Violence protection is not just for married couples, already. And, it's not just for heterosexual couples, already. And, it's not just for COUPLES, period. Domestic violence protection already extends to siblings, parents, children, and a host of other "people."

The bible does say that homosexuality is not right, never in those specific words, but in several places throughout, it lends instruction that marriage is to be between a man and a woman. HOWEVER, it doesn't say that we, as Christians are supposed to HATE those who choose to live in ANY lifestyle other than the one that we choose to live.

And, our law already said that marriage was between one man & one woman. Voting FOR the amendment didn't exactly change that. Voting AGAINST the amendment wouldn't have changed that either. So...why were we fighting over it?

Anyway, I heard this song a few days ago, and there's one line especially in the song that says to me, WHAT IN THE H... WERE WE THINKING?! It says, "Nobody knows what we're for, only what we are against when we judge the wounded; what if we put down our signs, crossed over the lines, and loved like You did..."

I think, as Christians, we have a responsibility bigger than voting FOR the Amendment, we have a responsibility to love ALL people. Regardless of how we feel about their life choices. That doesn't mean that you have to approve of, condone, or even support any person in your life who makes choices that you don't agree with, whether that choice is homosexuality; alcohol or drug abuse; tattoos; clubs; gangs. Being involved of any, or all, of those things doesn't mean the person doesn't love the Lord, it just means they're lost.

There's another line in that song that says, "The world is on their way to You, but they're tripping over me." I think this is probably the most true statement EVER. There are so many people who NEED to find their way to the Lord. And so many who will start down that path, only to stop when they run into a "Christian" who is pointing fingers at them and telling them what a bad person they are or that God hates what them for what they're doing. God doesn't hate ANYONE. He hates our actions, probably daily, but he LOVES us all. And, until we, as Christians, start showing EVERYONE that love, we will never be able to repair the HELL that we're living in now.

And, with that, I'm going to step off of my soapbox and just say this little prayer...

Jesus, friend of SINNERS (just like ME), open my eyes to the world at the end of my pointing fingers. I have always been and will always be the lost cause, but You have never given up on me, You never give up on any of us, You are always right there, arms open, waiting for us to run back to You. Thank You. I love you, Jesus. And I am so thankful that I find my way back to You when I've slipped in the other direction. Amen 

And God Bless All My Friends

Is there anything in this world more precious than a child's simple faith? We should all be so lucky as to hang on to that for as long as we live.

We have a bedtime routine at our house. It involves bathtime, medications, snuggling, reading, and...bedtime prayers. You know the one... "Now I lay me down to sleep..." When that's over with, we need to "God Bless" everyone. Which goes something like this (I start, then Levi, then me, then Levi, and on and on and on):

Okay, and, God Bless Daddy.
God Bless Mamma.
God Bless Levi.
God Bless Sissy.
God Bless Granddaddy.
God Bless Gate Ganny. (Great Granny)
God Bless MeMaw.
God Bless Cotton. (the Donkey, not the plant)
Yes, Levi, God Bless Cotton.
God Bless Papa.
God Bless GiGi.
God Bless PePaw.
God Bless MaMaw.
God Bless PaPaw.
God Bless Aunt Nette & Michael.
And God Bless Cotton.
Yes, Levi, God Bless Cotton.
God Bless Sara-Marget. (Sara-Margaret, that is)
God Bless Bailey.
God Bless Mannie & Dillon. (Mattie, that is)
God Bless Rylie.
And God Bless Cotton.
Yes, Levi, God Bless Cotton. Now, God Bless Miss Kellie and your other teachers.
God Bless Bittney. (Brittany, that is)
And who else, Levi?
And God Bless All My Friends.

Now, if only the rest of us in the world would take the time to do that every day!!