The Race Card

I'm white. No, really. I am. Well, except that my maternal grandmother was a Cherokee Indian. And my maternal grandfather was Scottish. And I'm pretty sure my paternal grandmother was Irish. And I strongly suspect there's some more Native American blood on my paternal grandfather's side. So...maybe I'm not really white after all. Wait, what does it mean to be "white"?

Either way, it doesn't really matter. I'm an American. I was raised in an American home, taken to church regularly, taught to respect my elders, taught to respect authority, and taught to work for what I have. I was raised surrounded by family with the same ideals (church, respect, work). I was raised to not sit around waiting for others to take care of me.

I've been friends with people of all races. Some of my closest friends are "people of color" - that is, they're African American. Or Black. Whatever label you want to put on them. I'm not friends with these people because they are African Americans. I'm friends with them because I value them. I appreciate them as PEOPLE. I believe they have good hearts and good heads.

My husband & I have practically adopted (or been adopted into?) a Hispanic family from church. I love them as though they are my brother, sister, niece and nephews. I'd do anything within my power for them. I never had siblings growing up. And, being stabbed in the back by the closest thing I did have to a sibling just a few years ago really took a toll on my ability to love and trust people, even those related to me by blood. So, to have found a brother and sister - whom I love and trust - has been a true blessing. I don't look at them as being Puerto Rican or Mexican. I look at them as my brother and his wife, my sister. I look at their children as my niece and my nephew. And I hope they will always consider me their sister; their Ti-Ti. I don't love them because they're Hispanic. I love them because they are people who have the same ideals that I do (church, respect, work).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in general, when I look at people, I try to evaluate them for WHO they are. Not what color their skin is.

Today, one of those friends of mine, who happens to be African American, said to me as we disagreed about something, "You won't ever understand. You'd have to change the color of your skin in order to understand."

I'm sorry, what?! I won't go into the difference of opinions that led to this comment. That's not really important. In fact, none of this is really important to any of you reading this, it's just important to me that I vent my frustration at having someone pull that card with ME. It hurt. A lot. I try to be respectful of most everyone (except for maybe extreme liberals because they're generally just idiots), and to not judge them based on the color of their skin. I try to look past outward appearances in all cases, not just in cases of skin color, to the person INSIDE. I have to admit, I am deeply saddened to see - to learn - that this friend sees ME as a white girl instead of as a human being. Here, _____, you can have The Race Card back. I don't want it. Save for the next "injustice" you see.

Time for a Public Announcement

So, I suppose the time has come for me to come clean. I've tried to keep from sharing but as this thing progresses, it gets harder to hide.

And...for those of you who think I'm about to spill news of a pregnancy...well...get that little thought right out of your minds!

So, here's the big announcement: I'm having brain surgery! [Doesn't that sound like fun?]

[Excerpts from National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke]

What are Chiari malformations?

Chiari malformations (CMs) are structural defects in the cerebellum, the part of the brain that controls balance. Normally the cerebellum and parts of the brain stem sit in an indented space at the lower rear of the skull, above the foramen magnum (a funnel-like opening to the spinal canal). When part of the cerebellum is located below the foramen magnum, it is called a Chiari malformation.

CMs may develop when the bony space is smaller than normal, causing the cerebellum and brain stem to be pushed downward into the foramen magnum and into the upper spinal canal. The resulting pressure on the cerebellum and brain stem may affect functions controlled by these areas and block the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)— the clear liquid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord—to and from the brain.

How are they classified?
Type I involves the extension of the cerebellar tonsils (the lower part of the cerebellum) into the foramen magnum, without involving the brain stem. Normally, only the spinal cord passes through this opening. Type I—which may not cause symptoms—is the most common form of CM and is usually first noticed in adolescence or adulthood, often by accident during an examination for another condition. Type I is the only type of CM that can be acquired.

[End excerpts]

I have Type I Chiari malformation. I was first diagnosed about 12 years ago after a bout with severe occipital migraines with vision impairment. It is still unknown whether the CM was actually to blame for those migraines, which resolved after several rounds of trigger-point injections into the occipital area of my head.

Fast-forward to July 2012.

I crawl into bed one night, close my eyes and suddenly feel as though I'm riding the Gravitron and I can't make it stop. I spend the next several days bouncing in and out of dizzy whirlwinds that don't actually exist. Within a few more days, I notice that it feels like my heart is skipping beats. Basically, I feel: beat---beat---beat---pause------------------beat-beat-beat---beat---beat. This heart thing always happens when I'm dizzy but I can be dizzy and not notice the heart thing. Did that make sense? Anyway, I decided to see the doctor who refers me to a Cardiologist. Diagnosis: Vertigo and Premature Ventricular Contractions. Both "no big deal."

November rolls around and I'm still dizzy a good part of the time and I've been having this niggling little headache. Not like, "I need a tylenol" headache or anything, just more of a "can my head just stop hurting already?!" headache. One day late in the month, I drive over to see my mom at work on my lunch break. 5.0 miles away. I have made the drive hundreds of times over the 14 years I've had a drivers' license. I make 3 wrong turns trying to return to work. At each point, nothing - NOTHING - in my surroundings seems familiar. I finally pull over into a parking lot and use the GPS on my phone to lead me back to work. I would go on to experience several more instances of geographical confusion; eventually using GPS to drive pretty much anywhere.

In January, I make a doctor's appointment for a complete physical. My PCP refers me to a neurologist in Raleigh. Over the next several weeks, I experience lots of testing:

• MRI: Confirmed Chiari Type I. It is this Neurologist's opinion that Chiari is asymptomatic.
• VNG: Diagnosed with 45% Vestibular Loss of Function in left ear. - This Neurologist thinks this is to blame for the dizziness. Prescribes Vestibular Therapy.
• Sleep Study: Diagnosed with sleep apnea with an AHI of 65. This Neurologist thinks this is to blame for fatigue, headaches and confusion. Prescribes CPAP.

In March, I start the therapy for the Vestibular issue. Within 3 weeks of beginning therapy, my nystagmus is worsening, I am having full-blown occipital migraines, and my dizziness symptoms have become so severe that at times, I have trouble walking without supporting myself with a wall or person. I see two separate therapists during this time frame. The first, who does eye testing on me, says, basically, that he is leaning towards this being a "central issue" rather than caused by the vestibular function issue. The other, who does a balance test on me, recommends I see a neurosurgeon with haste believing firmly that the Chiari is to blame.

I have a follow-up with the Neurologist who ordered all those test & made all those decisions. She makes me feel like a hypochondriac and tries to push pills down my throat. At the insistence of a friend at work, I sought a referral for a second opinion.

Somewhere along in this mix, I start having difficulties with "word finding" - I struggle to find the words I'm looking for, or sometimes just say the wrong thing altogether.

Enter: Dr. Justin Mhoon, MD, Chair of the Neurology Division at Duke's Department of Neurology. Dr. Mhoon examines me, spends about 35 minutes talking to me, and orders an MRI with SINE study. This test takes approximately 2 hours. It is an MRI of my head, brain, c-spine and t-spine, with a test to determine the flow of spinal fluid in and around those areas scanned. Results: 1. Findings of Chiari type I malformation with approximately 1.1 cm cerebellar tonsillar ectopy. CSF flow study demonstrates diminished flow posterior to the cerebellum and within the distal jugular system. No cord syrinx is identified.

Dr. Mhoon refers me to a Duke Neurosurgeon and an ENT. After a complete ENT workup that was pointless [Yes, Ms. Hall, you do have a confirmed 45% loss of vestibular function, however, it appears that your brain has already compensated for that loss of function and therapy would not be beneficial to you], I had a consult with Dr. Bagley, Director of Neurosurgery for Duke.

And, sooo, I say all of that to say this:

Sometimes I don't feel well. Sometimes the room is spinning around me. Sometimes I need to use my GPS to drive home from work. Sometimes I really just need to hide and take a nap. Sometimes I just need you to pray for me to have a better day. Sometimes I stumble. Sometimes I catch myself and sometimes I even fall. Sometimes I call the microwave a dishwasher and the can opener a toaster. Sometimes I get mad that you drank all the milk when we're out of bread. Sometimes I'll ask you to put my purse in the sink when there isn't a sink in sight. Sometimes I will forget things that I did or said. Sometimes I will feel like I'm choking or can't get enough air even when there's nothing wrong. Sometimes I won't be able to pick up that paperclip or peel that sticker off my apple. Sometimes it will take all of my energy just to lift my arms.

Please don't judge me. Over the next few months, I will progressively get worse as I have since this time a year ago; so if I say something stupid to you, please just smile and nod like it made perfect sense. And, please remember me in your prayers as December approaches. Surgery is scheduled for December 2 at Duke.

Thank you.

Breakfast

Levi l.o.v.e.s. pancakes. And waffles. AND French toast. But, don't tell him that. Because waffles are yucky. And nooooo, I can't eat French toasted.

Did you ever ask a server at Waffle House for a pancake? They look at you just a little funny. And the manager will tell you that's a dirty word.

And then you have to beg them to accommodate your 3-year old who thinks every fluffy golden sweetness on which you pour "sticky syrup" is a pancake. So, for the sake of all that's good and holy, please just call it a pancake so he'll eat breakfast like a normal human being. PLEASE.

Tonight, he runs to me [while I sweat over the hot stove cooking supper] and says, Mamma! I want pancakes! So, I make him French toast. 2 slices. He ate both & asked for more. And, it wasn't pancakes. Hehe.

The Issue...or Not

It was all over the news...social media...radio ads. It was everywhere. Fighting on both sides of the fence. Vote FOR Amendment One. Vote AGAINST Amendment One. If you don't vote FOR it, you're not as Christian as me. If you do vote FOR it, you're a hate-mongering Jesus-lover.

I was so sick of hearing about it, that by the time it came time to vote on the "issue" I was glad overjoyed that I was stuck in Chapel Hill most of the day & then completely exhausted to the point of not feeling up to the trip to the poll. So, YEP, you got it.. I'm not as Christian as you are, AND I'm a hate-mongering Jesus-lover because I did neither. ;)

I struggled, truly, over this Amendment. I'd heard the liberal agenda on it...no domestic violence protection, children losing their health benefits, blah blah blah. I'd heard the conservative agenda on it...JESUS said so! Homos are sinners and we hate them! And then I researched it for myself.

But, the truth is, neither of those are exactly right.

Children of unmarried parents both CAN and CANNOT be covered on health insurance benefit policies, based on the carrier & plan host's definition of dependents.

Domestic Violence protection is not just for married couples, already. And, it's not just for heterosexual couples, already. And, it's not just for COUPLES, period. Domestic violence protection already extends to siblings, parents, children, and a host of other "people."

The bible does say that homosexuality is not right, never in those specific words, but in several places throughout, it lends instruction that marriage is to be between a man and a woman. HOWEVER, it doesn't say that we, as Christians are supposed to HATE those who choose to live in ANY lifestyle other than the one that we choose to live.

And, our law already said that marriage was between one man & one woman. Voting FOR the amendment didn't exactly change that. Voting AGAINST the amendment wouldn't have changed that either. So...why were we fighting over it?

Anyway, I heard this song a few days ago, and there's one line especially in the song that says to me, WHAT IN THE H... WERE WE THINKING?! It says, "Nobody knows what we're for, only what we are against when we judge the wounded; what if we put down our signs, crossed over the lines, and loved like You did..."

I think, as Christians, we have a responsibility bigger than voting FOR the Amendment, we have a responsibility to love ALL people. Regardless of how we feel about their life choices. That doesn't mean that you have to approve of, condone, or even support any person in your life who makes choices that you don't agree with, whether that choice is homosexuality; alcohol or drug abuse; tattoos; clubs; gangs. Being involved of any, or all, of those things doesn't mean the person doesn't love the Lord, it just means they're lost.

There's another line in that song that says, "The world is on their way to You, but they're tripping over me." I think this is probably the most true statement EVER. There are so many people who NEED to find their way to the Lord. And so many who will start down that path, only to stop when they run into a "Christian" who is pointing fingers at them and telling them what a bad person they are or that God hates what them for what they're doing. God doesn't hate ANYONE. He hates our actions, probably daily, but he LOVES us all. And, until we, as Christians, start showing EVERYONE that love, we will never be able to repair the HELL that we're living in now.

And, with that, I'm going to step off of my soapbox and just say this little prayer...

Jesus, friend of SINNERS (just like ME), open my eyes to the world at the end of my pointing fingers. I have always been and will always be the lost cause, but You have never given up on me, You never give up on any of us, You are always right there, arms open, waiting for us to run back to You. Thank You. I love you, Jesus. And I am so thankful that I find my way back to You when I've slipped in the other direction. Amen 

I can't go in there, Mamma.

WOW. It's been over 4 months since I posted a blog. It's overdue.

This past Saturday was our 5th wedding anniversary. We spent the day moving into our new home. 980 sq. ft. to 2000-ish sq. ft. A nice upgrade. The boy is a very routine child. (I'm pretty sure I've blogged about that before.) When his routine is disrupted, all sorts of things go haywire. Well, Saturday night was the first night we spent in the new house. During the day, Levi is super-psyched about the fact that he now has a playroom that is larger than the living room of our previous house.When it's bedtime, he goes to sleep pretty easily but from there, it goes downhill. (NOTE: This is not necessarily a "new" thing, as he typically wakes 2-3 times per night, but this is way worse than it's ever been.) He's had a history of night terrors (not nightmares which are dreams, but waking in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder and the ONLY thing that soothes him is to let him settle himself down and go back to sleep). It's been more than a year since he last had a night terror, but they've returned since we moved.

Late yesterday afternoon, he walks down the hallway then tells me, "I can't go in that bathroom, Mamma." Me: "Why not?" Levi: "There's a man in there." Me: "No, honey, it's really ok. Come on, Mamma will go with you."

I go in, turn on the light, he potties, and we're done.

Later, I'm telling husband about this and he asks Levi some questions.

Husband: "Hey buddy, tell me about the man you saw."
Levi: "He was in the bathroom."
Husband: "Did you know him?"
Levi: "Ummm...I don't know."
Husband: "What did he look like?"
Levi: "He looks like my PaPaw."

Jaws drop. Tears form. I look at husband. He smiles and looks at me.

PaPaw is my father-in-law, who passed away in November.

Levi was frightened by seeing PaPaw. But we explained to Levi that PaPaw is here because he loves us very much and he wants to take care of us and make sure that we are ok.

I start talking (in my mind) to Jerry (PaPaw), asking, "Jerry, if it's you that's here, please, help Levi to adjust. Take away these night terrors and help him rest." Over and over, I say this in my mind. Tears still rolling.

8:45 pm: Levi gets his bath in the same bathroom where he earlier "saw" PaPaw. No problems.
9:10 pm: Levi gets in bed, does his breathing treatment & dozes off to sleep.
6:30 am: Levi wakes up for the first time since going to sleep around 9:15-9:20 the night before.

Thank you PaPaw. We love you and we're so glad you're still here with us even just in spirit! I just wish my soul was still as innocent as little Levi's so that I could see you again, too. But one day, I will.

Life Lessons

Did you ever walk through a parking lot, store, or restaurant with your toddler/preschooler without holding their hand?

I have. In fact, he has the scars on his forehead to prove it.



Did your toddler/preschooler ever twist out of your grasp while walking through a parking lot, store, or restaurant?

Mine has.

Monday, December 5, 2011, heaven gained an angel, a beautiful, bright eyed little boy, named Cullen Parker. Did his mom just not hold his hand? Did he twist out of her grasp? I don't know. And, neither do the hundreds of people who are speculating about what terrible parents the Parkers are because they weren't holding onto their kid.

Before you judge someone else, look in the mirror. Did you ever do it when your kids were little? Do you do it even now, if you have small kids?

And, please, if you learn nothing else from the Parkers' loss, please learn this:

The most wonderful blessing you will ever have in your life is NOT your job, your bank account, your home or your car. It is your children (no matter how you get them).

Don't be afraid to hold your child's hand. Always. Forever. No matter how big or how old they get.

Tell your children that you love them. Always. Forever. No matter how big or how old they get. Do it. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Tomorrow is not a guarantee for any of us. Will you regret tomorrow that you didn't hug your kid today?

And, finally, to the Parker family, should any of you read this, please accept the sincere condolences of my family. Cullen was a beautiful child. We have been praying daily for the peace and comfort of our Lord to be with you all. I cannot begin to imagine what your family must be feeling, but I do know that the Lord's angels are taking care of Cullen now.

~Anna

To Trick, To Treat, or To Not

Halloween is coming. Costumes should be bought. But, what if you don't know how you feel about trick-or-treating. And what if you don't know what's an appropriate costume for your child? Levi isn't allowed to watch "Superhero" cartoons, so, how much sense would it make to put him in a Captain America costume - when he doesn't even know who Captain America is? And, his bedtime is 8-8:30, and Halloween is on a school night, so late bedtime isn't really an option. The last two years, our "trick-or-treating" consisted of visiting a couple of family members to say hi (and of course, get a small treat).

His first Halloween, he was a horse:

(A very cute one!) Cost of costume? Unknown - Great Granny Wilma bought it for him.

Last year, he was the cutest little cowboy sheriff there ever was:

See, I told ya! cutest.ever. Cost of costume? $WeDon'tWannaTalkAboutIt

This year...I just really, really do not know. I've thought about Superman. Only, because Levi loves it when we say:

"Dundunnanna! SuperLevi!"

But, even still, he wouldn't get it, because he doesn't watch Superman.

Then, I thought about Captain America, because his Daddy loved Captain America as a boy. But, really, Levi doesn't have a clue who Captain America is.

Then, I thought about Optimus Prime, because Levi did watch Transformers with us while he was falling asleep over the weekend. But, again, he doesn't "get" it. He wouldn't know, "I'm dressed up like Optimus Prime, the leader of the good Transformers."

Any of those options would cost in the $25 range. Not completely unreasonable, but he'll only wear it once. And then I'll put it away in the "tote" because I'm too dumb sentimental to get rid of it.

Ahhhhhhh! Nothing should be this difficult! And that's a big part of why I'm struggling so with it this year, I think. This really, really, should not be this difficult. And if it is this difficult, then we shouldn't be doing it at all. But, then, what if we decide to do a Trunk-Or-Treat at church or something, he'll need a costume. And if I wait until we decide if we're going to do that, there won't be any good costumes left. And, how do I know if it is a good costume? Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.