i refuse to invalidate his feelings

He’s little. He’s pretty sure you hung the moon. You’ve always been frequently present.

And then, suddenly, you aren’t there anymore.

You don’t call him. You don’t text him. (You can do both, you know. His iPad has iMessage and FaceTime and you have an iPhone. You don’t even have to go through his parents to do so.) You visit once or twice a month, for 10 or 15 minutes, when it’s convenient for you.

For a young child, it is the equivalent of a parental divorce with a bad custody arrangement. It doesn’t matter who you are to him. You could be mom’s or dad’s significant other. You could be the nanny. You could be big brother, big sister, cousin, Aunt, or Uncle. You could be Grandma or Grandpa. Your blood connection is irrelevant to a child. Their heart connection to you is what matters to them; and unfortunately for children, they love without reservation.

But when he asks why you aren’t there, do NOT expect dishonesty. I will not lie because it makes you feel better about yourself. You have yet to be open and honest with us about why you CHOSE not to be there. We only have the answer you gave us. And that is the answer we will give him. We will not allow you to blame him, for he is only a child and his mind changes with the wind.

And when he cries and tells me that he feels angry and hurt and like you don’t come and don’t call because you don’t love him, I will NOT defend you and I will NOT invalidate his feelings. They are his feelings, and if I invalidate them now, he will not learn to trust his own feelings as he grows and matures. It’s no different than when he gets angry and acts out. He’s allowed to BE angry, he isn’t allowed to get away with acting out. So, when he’s crying because he feels angry and hurt and unloved by your actions, or rather by your inaction, I will hold him. I will snuggle him. I will love on him and tell him that *I* love him. I will tell him that Jesus loves him. And I will tell him that I’m sorry that you don’t make time to see him or talk to him; and I will ask him to forgive you because if he doesn’t, it will only hurt him worse to hold onto that anger and hurt.

It's Been A While...

...since there was an update on the boy.

Levi just celebrated his FIFTH birthday!

He is full of personality. He is loving. He is smart...so very smart! He is funny. He is a trouble-maker. He is a heart breaker. He has these looks that just melt your heart. He has these sayings that just make you giggle...even when you should be scolding him. He is rude. He is a boy. He is OCD. He is determined.

He is perfect, well...he's is the perfect Levi Johnson Hall, anyway. :)

He is HEALTHY. Other than a flu shot in November, his 5-year well-check on February 11, 2014 was his FIRST visit at the pediatrician's office since his 4-year well-check on February 12, 2013. Previously, our record was 3 months between sick visits. It's been a YEAR. A whole YEAR. I'm excited...can you tell? We are still followed by Immunology and Pulmonology at Duke, and of course, he's had a cold here and there or an asthma flare-up, but we've been able to manage everything with NO ANTIBIOTICS and only 3 courses of STEROIDS. We have been very blessed.

He is such an old man.

He sits just like his Great Granddaddy ["Granddaddy" to him], with his little legs crossed at the knee, which makes my heart sing because Granddaddy loves him so and I think it's so special that he ended up with a trait from one of his great grandparents.

His eyes are beautiful. And weird. And they change colors. Blue. Gray. Green. Golden. Sometimes so deep they appear purple. And every now & then you catch a glimpse of just plain old brown. It fascinates me. And the color is telling...of his moods...if they're blue, get ready for a great big hug...if they're green be prepared for an apocalyptic zombie-like attack...if they're gray, prepare yourself to be licked up the side of your face or have him climb up in your lap just to pass gas on you and take off running or just generally be mischievous.

He doesn't understand personal space. It's perfectly acceptable to him to put his nose to your nose just to tell you hello. Or climb up in your lap, even if you're a perfect stranger.

He sneaks...like a ninja...out of his bed and into his daddy's & mine on a regular basis. We've timed it. It has taken up to 30 minutes for him to get out of bed, walk down the hall, climb onto the foot of our bed and inch his way up to the pillows between us. It's hard to pretend you're asleep so he doesn't know you've busted him when all you really want to do is belly laugh out loud. [I told you in the beginning he was determined!]

He says things like, "I'm not talking about at this moment. I mean, at the other moment. You know, when I was in the shower?" This moment...really, kid?! What happened to "a while ago" or "earlier" or "right now"?!

Anyway...enjoy these shots from our Mom-Tog moment...I didn't put my good friend Carrie Small out to do his 5-year old pics...yet. ;) I'm still trying to decide if I love these enough to use them, or if I'm gonna cave and take him to "Miss Carrie" after all..we shall see...

I sure do love you, kid...to the moon & back...to pieces...even more than that!

Breakfast

Levi l.o.v.e.s. pancakes. And waffles. AND French toast. But, don't tell him that. Because waffles are yucky. And nooooo, I can't eat French toasted.

Did you ever ask a server at Waffle House for a pancake? They look at you just a little funny. And the manager will tell you that's a dirty word.

And then you have to beg them to accommodate your 3-year old who thinks every fluffy golden sweetness on which you pour "sticky syrup" is a pancake. So, for the sake of all that's good and holy, please just call it a pancake so he'll eat breakfast like a normal human being. PLEASE.

Tonight, he runs to me [while I sweat over the hot stove cooking supper] and says, Mamma! I want pancakes! So, I make him French toast. 2 slices. He ate both & asked for more. And, it wasn't pancakes. Hehe.

I can't go in there, Mamma.

WOW. It's been over 4 months since I posted a blog. It's overdue.

This past Saturday was our 5th wedding anniversary. We spent the day moving into our new home. 980 sq. ft. to 2000-ish sq. ft. A nice upgrade. The boy is a very routine child. (I'm pretty sure I've blogged about that before.) When his routine is disrupted, all sorts of things go haywire. Well, Saturday night was the first night we spent in the new house. During the day, Levi is super-psyched about the fact that he now has a playroom that is larger than the living room of our previous house.When it's bedtime, he goes to sleep pretty easily but from there, it goes downhill. (NOTE: This is not necessarily a "new" thing, as he typically wakes 2-3 times per night, but this is way worse than it's ever been.) He's had a history of night terrors (not nightmares which are dreams, but waking in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder and the ONLY thing that soothes him is to let him settle himself down and go back to sleep). It's been more than a year since he last had a night terror, but they've returned since we moved.

Late yesterday afternoon, he walks down the hallway then tells me, "I can't go in that bathroom, Mamma." Me: "Why not?" Levi: "There's a man in there." Me: "No, honey, it's really ok. Come on, Mamma will go with you."

I go in, turn on the light, he potties, and we're done.

Later, I'm telling husband about this and he asks Levi some questions.

Husband: "Hey buddy, tell me about the man you saw."
Levi: "He was in the bathroom."
Husband: "Did you know him?"
Levi: "Ummm...I don't know."
Husband: "What did he look like?"
Levi: "He looks like my PaPaw."

Jaws drop. Tears form. I look at husband. He smiles and looks at me.

PaPaw is my father-in-law, who passed away in November.

Levi was frightened by seeing PaPaw. But we explained to Levi that PaPaw is here because he loves us very much and he wants to take care of us and make sure that we are ok.

I start talking (in my mind) to Jerry (PaPaw), asking, "Jerry, if it's you that's here, please, help Levi to adjust. Take away these night terrors and help him rest." Over and over, I say this in my mind. Tears still rolling.

8:45 pm: Levi gets his bath in the same bathroom where he earlier "saw" PaPaw. No problems.
9:10 pm: Levi gets in bed, does his breathing treatment & dozes off to sleep.
6:30 am: Levi wakes up for the first time since going to sleep around 9:15-9:20 the night before.

Thank you PaPaw. We love you and we're so glad you're still here with us even just in spirit! I just wish my soul was still as innocent as little Levi's so that I could see you again, too. But one day, I will.

To Trick, To Treat, or To Not

Halloween is coming. Costumes should be bought. But, what if you don't know how you feel about trick-or-treating. And what if you don't know what's an appropriate costume for your child? Levi isn't allowed to watch "Superhero" cartoons, so, how much sense would it make to put him in a Captain America costume - when he doesn't even know who Captain America is? And, his bedtime is 8-8:30, and Halloween is on a school night, so late bedtime isn't really an option. The last two years, our "trick-or-treating" consisted of visiting a couple of family members to say hi (and of course, get a small treat).

His first Halloween, he was a horse:

(A very cute one!) Cost of costume? Unknown - Great Granny Wilma bought it for him.

Last year, he was the cutest little cowboy sheriff there ever was:

See, I told ya! cutest.ever. Cost of costume? $WeDon'tWannaTalkAboutIt

This year...I just really, really do not know. I've thought about Superman. Only, because Levi loves it when we say:

"Dundunnanna! SuperLevi!"

But, even still, he wouldn't get it, because he doesn't watch Superman.

Then, I thought about Captain America, because his Daddy loved Captain America as a boy. But, really, Levi doesn't have a clue who Captain America is.

Then, I thought about Optimus Prime, because Levi did watch Transformers with us while he was falling asleep over the weekend. But, again, he doesn't "get" it. He wouldn't know, "I'm dressed up like Optimus Prime, the leader of the good Transformers."

Any of those options would cost in the $25 range. Not completely unreasonable, but he'll only wear it once. And then I'll put it away in the "tote" because I'm too dumb sentimental to get rid of it.

Ahhhhhhh! Nothing should be this difficult! And that's a big part of why I'm struggling so with it this year, I think. This really, really, should not be this difficult. And if it is this difficult, then we shouldn't be doing it at all. But, then, what if we decide to do a Trunk-Or-Treat at church or something, he'll need a costume. And if I wait until we decide if we're going to do that, there won't be any good costumes left. And, how do I know if it is a good costume? Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Levi's First Train Ride!

On Sunday, we took Levi to New Hope Valley Railway in Bonsal, NC. It's no secret that my boy is a huge train fanatic. Just take a look around our living room. Or the floor board of my car. Or his bedroom. Or the apps on my Droid.

So, NHVRY is a great little all-volunteer led living museum. They offer train rides one Sunday per month in Spring, Summer & Fall (for a nominal fee of $10/adult, $7/child). I recommend going in Spring, or waiting til Fall. August, 100 degrees, and 9658.3% humidity are NOT ideal conditions for sitting in an "Open Air Coach," no matter how beautiful the scenery. Though, I have to admit that dealing with the heat was way beyond worth it just to see this look:

Or this one:

We had a nice little family day, with Jeremy, Lauren, Levi, PePaw and I. Totally going to do it again when the weather cools off.

I plan to edit some more of our photos from the train ride, using my new friend Picnik, and will post those later.