i refuse to invalidate his feelings

He’s little. He’s pretty sure you hung the moon. You’ve always been frequently present.

And then, suddenly, you aren’t there anymore.

You don’t call him. You don’t text him. (You can do both, you know. His iPad has iMessage and FaceTime and you have an iPhone. You don’t even have to go through his parents to do so.) You visit once or twice a month, for 10 or 15 minutes, when it’s convenient for you.

For a young child, it is the equivalent of a parental divorce with a bad custody arrangement. It doesn’t matter who you are to him. You could be mom’s or dad’s significant other. You could be the nanny. You could be big brother, big sister, cousin, Aunt, or Uncle. You could be Grandma or Grandpa. Your blood connection is irrelevant to a child. Their heart connection to you is what matters to them; and unfortunately for children, they love without reservation.

But when he asks why you aren’t there, do NOT expect dishonesty. I will not lie because it makes you feel better about yourself. You have yet to be open and honest with us about why you CHOSE not to be there. We only have the answer you gave us. And that is the answer we will give him. We will not allow you to blame him, for he is only a child and his mind changes with the wind.

And when he cries and tells me that he feels angry and hurt and like you don’t come and don’t call because you don’t love him, I will NOT defend you and I will NOT invalidate his feelings. They are his feelings, and if I invalidate them now, he will not learn to trust his own feelings as he grows and matures. It’s no different than when he gets angry and acts out. He’s allowed to BE angry, he isn’t allowed to get away with acting out. So, when he’s crying because he feels angry and hurt and unloved by your actions, or rather by your inaction, I will hold him. I will snuggle him. I will love on him and tell him that *I* love him. I will tell him that Jesus loves him. And I will tell him that I’m sorry that you don’t make time to see him or talk to him; and I will ask him to forgive you because if he doesn’t, it will only hurt him worse to hold onto that anger and hurt.

Learning Something New

Every day is an opportunity to learn. Sometimes we take advantage of that opportunity. And, sometimes we don't even notice that we did.

In the last 32 years, I've learned a LOT, though I didn't always realize it. I'm going to strive to pay more attention to what happens to me each day, in the hopes that I will notice how much more I'm learning.

Some of the things I've learned...

There are still good people in this world, that care more about others and less about themselves.

Sometimes, having someone to just "be" there for you is more important than what they can "do"  or "buy" for you. By all means, appreciate what people "do" for you, but help them realize that it's not the "doing for" that means anything to you, it's the "being there."

No matter how much you think you've "survived" an experience (good or bad) in your life, it still affects you. And the longer you ignore how you really feel about it, the harder it is to get past. And if you continue to ignore it, overcoming may become impossible.

Sometimes things that happen to you SCARE you. And, no matter how belittled others make you feel about the fact that you're SCARED, you still have every right to have that panic attack.

It's okay to be angry. Just remember to direct the anger to the right place.

Crying can be cleansing. It's okay if you need to sit down and quietly let tears fall. It's okay if you need to ball up and sob. Either way, let those tears wash away the pain or fear or anxiety or anger, or whatever else emotion, you are feeling.

The best of intentions do not guarantee success.

Trust, once destroyed, is not easily repaired.

Jealousy will eat you alive, almost literally.

Social Media is good.

Social Media is bad.

What did you learn today?