i refuse to invalidate his feelings

He’s little. He’s pretty sure you hung the moon. You’ve always been frequently present.

And then, suddenly, you aren’t there anymore.

You don’t call him. You don’t text him. (You can do both, you know. His iPad has iMessage and FaceTime and you have an iPhone. You don’t even have to go through his parents to do so.) You visit once or twice a month, for 10 or 15 minutes, when it’s convenient for you.

For a young child, it is the equivalent of a parental divorce with a bad custody arrangement. It doesn’t matter who you are to him. You could be mom’s or dad’s significant other. You could be the nanny. You could be big brother, big sister, cousin, Aunt, or Uncle. You could be Grandma or Grandpa. Your blood connection is irrelevant to a child. Their heart connection to you is what matters to them; and unfortunately for children, they love without reservation.

But when he asks why you aren’t there, do NOT expect dishonesty. I will not lie because it makes you feel better about yourself. You have yet to be open and honest with us about why you CHOSE not to be there. We only have the answer you gave us. And that is the answer we will give him. We will not allow you to blame him, for he is only a child and his mind changes with the wind.

And when he cries and tells me that he feels angry and hurt and like you don’t come and don’t call because you don’t love him, I will NOT defend you and I will NOT invalidate his feelings. They are his feelings, and if I invalidate them now, he will not learn to trust his own feelings as he grows and matures. It’s no different than when he gets angry and acts out. He’s allowed to BE angry, he isn’t allowed to get away with acting out. So, when he’s crying because he feels angry and hurt and unloved by your actions, or rather by your inaction, I will hold him. I will snuggle him. I will love on him and tell him that *I* love him. I will tell him that Jesus loves him. And I will tell him that I’m sorry that you don’t make time to see him or talk to him; and I will ask him to forgive you because if he doesn’t, it will only hurt him worse to hold onto that anger and hurt.

So That We Might All Live Free

The American Serviceman or Servicewoman

A man; a woman; a life; put at risk so that you; so that I; might live free.

Since the Revolutionary War, when Americans declared, fought for, and WON their independence from Great Britain, more than 800,000 American Servicemen and Servicewomen have given their life in the line of duty so that you; so that I; might live free.

Since the Revolutionary War, when Americans declared, fought for, and WON their independence from Great Britain, more than 1.5 million American Servicemen and Servicewomen have been injured fighting so that you; so that I; might live free.

The Department of Defense lists 1.3 million active duty military personnel and more than 800,000 reservists as of December 31, 2013. American Servicemen and Servicewomen serving daily so that you; so that I; might live free.

Today is Veteran's Day. Even if you don't tell an American Veteran that you appreciate them any other day of the year, do it today.

Remember, they sacrifice so that we might all live free.

To all of my family and friends who serve or have served, THANK YOU. I appreciate your sacrifices, and those your families make so that you may do your job, so that we might all live free.

©Anna Marie Hall

©My Little Mess

Learning Something New

Every day is an opportunity to learn. Sometimes we take advantage of that opportunity. And, sometimes we don't even notice that we did.

In the last 32 years, I've learned a LOT, though I didn't always realize it. I'm going to strive to pay more attention to what happens to me each day, in the hopes that I will notice how much more I'm learning.

Some of the things I've learned...

There are still good people in this world, that care more about others and less about themselves.

Sometimes, having someone to just "be" there for you is more important than what they can "do"  or "buy" for you. By all means, appreciate what people "do" for you, but help them realize that it's not the "doing for" that means anything to you, it's the "being there."

No matter how much you think you've "survived" an experience (good or bad) in your life, it still affects you. And the longer you ignore how you really feel about it, the harder it is to get past. And if you continue to ignore it, overcoming may become impossible.

Sometimes things that happen to you SCARE you. And, no matter how belittled others make you feel about the fact that you're SCARED, you still have every right to have that panic attack.

It's okay to be angry. Just remember to direct the anger to the right place.

Crying can be cleansing. It's okay if you need to sit down and quietly let tears fall. It's okay if you need to ball up and sob. Either way, let those tears wash away the pain or fear or anxiety or anger, or whatever else emotion, you are feeling.

The best of intentions do not guarantee success.

Trust, once destroyed, is not easily repaired.

Jealousy will eat you alive, almost literally.

Social Media is good.

Social Media is bad.

What did you learn today?

Social Media as a Clothesline

social media
n. websites and other online means of communication that are used by large groups of people to share information and to develop social and professional contacts.


clothesline
n. a strong, narrow rope, cord, wire, etc., usually stretched between two poles, posts, or buildings, on which clean laundry is hung to dry.


emphasis
n. special stress laid upon, or importance attached to, anything.

In the definition of the word, clothesline, above, using bold, highlighted, italics, I have placed emphasis on the word clean.

Many of us use our social media outlets - to include blogs like this one! - to express our feelings (both good and bad) about certain topics. We do this in a multitude of ways.

Perhaps it is a rant posted in haste as a tweet on Twitter or a status on Facebook.

Perhaps it is our opinion of Adam Levine's blond hair; or our glee when he went back to dark hair.

Perhaps it is our thoughts on the results we got on one of those silly quizzes.

Perhaps we share links to posts, articles and blogs that we find relatable.(I recently did this, and I can't figure out how to link to just that post on Facebook, but I think I'm going to blog that one because it still seems important to me, even now, so watch for that post.)

Perhaps we share memes that are meaningful to us or relative to our relationships or emotions.

And then, sometimes, we just get downright nasty. And that, my friends, is where I have a problem.

If you have a problem with someone, talk to that person. Or, if you don't think you can just yet (I know, sometimes you have to get to a "place" where you can talk to them out of love instead of hurt or anger...and sometimes that takes YEARS, and sometimes when that place comes, the thing you were so bent out of shape about doesn't even matter anymore), vent your frustrations to your spouse, mom, dad or best friend. But using social media to air your dirty laundry is a bad idea, all the way around. Some things just are meant for public viewing; everything has its place - like yoga pants.

You might use social media as a clothesline, but remember that clotheslines are intended for clean laundry.

Adventures in Kindergarten - Month 1

Gentry Primary School. Ugh.

Buies Creek Elementary School. Yay!

But, how? Ahh...school reassignment request. APPROVED!

We finally got the approval that Levi would be accepted to Buies Creek Elementary School despite that it's outside of our home "district". We were so excited. He would be attending a good school.

We went to assessment in late August. NIGHTMARE. Levi rebelled. Badly. It was probably a sign. I ignored it.

School started on September 3 for Levi. He both loves and hates it. He hates that there's no free time & no center-based play. He loves learning and is truly learning a LOT despite his difficulty settling in.

So, we're a month into school now. He is doing better but still struggling a little to get used to the new routines. His progress report indicated he was right where they expect him to be ("M - Making progress towards grade-level proficiency"). His handwriting is improving, his reading skills are developing and he's intrigued by math. He still hates the routine. With time, I think he will adjust; OCD makes change hard for him.

Be in prayer for him as he continues on this journey.


"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." ~ Numbers 6:24-26

Eight Years

Eight years is a long time.

But I remember like it was yesterday.

It's about 1pm. I'm sitting in the stylist's chair at Diamond Cuts when it was still in that tiny building on Ramsey Street.

My phone rings. It's Amanda. She's upset.

"They found Keith dead this morning," she says.

"Tiffany?" I ask.

It brings ache to my soul to think that my very first thought was that the mother of his child was responsible.

But in the end, my gut instinct was right. Deadly accurate.

Eight years ago today, they found my husband's best friend, Donald Keith West, dead. From a gunshot wound sustained in his own home, in his own bed, while he slept peacefully.

More than 2 years later, Tiffany would plead guilty to second degree murder.

Keith's sister, my dear friend Rhonda, and her husband would go on to raise Keith's daughter, Lily Marie, who will turn 9 later this year.

Though time passes faster than we'd like, this day doesn't seem to get any easier.

Rest in Peace, Big Daddy.

In loving memory of Donald Keith West
July 30, 1966 - July 18, 2006

It's Been A While...

...since there was an update on the boy.

Levi just celebrated his FIFTH birthday!

He is full of personality. He is loving. He is smart...so very smart! He is funny. He is a trouble-maker. He is a heart breaker. He has these looks that just melt your heart. He has these sayings that just make you giggle...even when you should be scolding him. He is rude. He is a boy. He is OCD. He is determined.

He is perfect, well...he's is the perfect Levi Johnson Hall, anyway. :)

He is HEALTHY. Other than a flu shot in November, his 5-year well-check on February 11, 2014 was his FIRST visit at the pediatrician's office since his 4-year well-check on February 12, 2013. Previously, our record was 3 months between sick visits. It's been a YEAR. A whole YEAR. I'm excited...can you tell? We are still followed by Immunology and Pulmonology at Duke, and of course, he's had a cold here and there or an asthma flare-up, but we've been able to manage everything with NO ANTIBIOTICS and only 3 courses of STEROIDS. We have been very blessed.

He is such an old man.

He sits just like his Great Granddaddy ["Granddaddy" to him], with his little legs crossed at the knee, which makes my heart sing because Granddaddy loves him so and I think it's so special that he ended up with a trait from one of his great grandparents.

His eyes are beautiful. And weird. And they change colors. Blue. Gray. Green. Golden. Sometimes so deep they appear purple. And every now & then you catch a glimpse of just plain old brown. It fascinates me. And the color is telling...of his moods...if they're blue, get ready for a great big hug...if they're green be prepared for an apocalyptic zombie-like attack...if they're gray, prepare yourself to be licked up the side of your face or have him climb up in your lap just to pass gas on you and take off running or just generally be mischievous.

He doesn't understand personal space. It's perfectly acceptable to him to put his nose to your nose just to tell you hello. Or climb up in your lap, even if you're a perfect stranger.

He sneaks...like a ninja...out of his bed and into his daddy's & mine on a regular basis. We've timed it. It has taken up to 30 minutes for him to get out of bed, walk down the hall, climb onto the foot of our bed and inch his way up to the pillows between us. It's hard to pretend you're asleep so he doesn't know you've busted him when all you really want to do is belly laugh out loud. [I told you in the beginning he was determined!]

He says things like, "I'm not talking about at this moment. I mean, at the other moment. You know, when I was in the shower?" This moment...really, kid?! What happened to "a while ago" or "earlier" or "right now"?!

Anyway...enjoy these shots from our Mom-Tog moment...I didn't put my good friend Carrie Small out to do his 5-year old pics...yet. ;) I'm still trying to decide if I love these enough to use them, or if I'm gonna cave and take him to "Miss Carrie" after all..we shall see...

I sure do love you, kid...to the moon & back...to pieces...even more than that!