The Race Card

I'm white. No, really. I am. Well, except that my maternal grandmother was a Cherokee Indian. And my maternal grandfather was Scottish. And I'm pretty sure my paternal grandmother was Irish. And I strongly suspect there's some more Native American blood on my paternal grandfather's side. So...maybe I'm not really white after all. Wait, what does it mean to be "white"?

Either way, it doesn't really matter. I'm an American. I was raised in an American home, taken to church regularly, taught to respect my elders, taught to respect authority, and taught to work for what I have. I was raised surrounded by family with the same ideals (church, respect, work). I was raised to not sit around waiting for others to take care of me.

I've been friends with people of all races. Some of my closest friends are "people of color" - that is, they're African American. Or Black. Whatever label you want to put on them. I'm not friends with these people because they are African Americans. I'm friends with them because I value them. I appreciate them as PEOPLE. I believe they have good hearts and good heads.

My husband & I have practically adopted (or been adopted into?) a Hispanic family from church. I love them as though they are my brother, sister, niece and nephews. I'd do anything within my power for them. I never had siblings growing up. And, being stabbed in the back by the closest thing I did have to a sibling just a few years ago really took a toll on my ability to love and trust people, even those related to me by blood. So, to have found a brother and sister - whom I love and trust - has been a true blessing. I don't look at them as being Puerto Rican or Mexican. I look at them as my brother and his wife, my sister. I look at their children as my niece and my nephew. And I hope they will always consider me their sister; their Ti-Ti. I don't love them because they're Hispanic. I love them because they are people who have the same ideals that I do (church, respect, work).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in general, when I look at people, I try to evaluate them for WHO they are. Not what color their skin is.

Today, one of those friends of mine, who happens to be African American, said to me as we disagreed about something, "You won't ever understand. You'd have to change the color of your skin in order to understand."

I'm sorry, what?! I won't go into the difference of opinions that led to this comment. That's not really important. In fact, none of this is really important to any of you reading this, it's just important to me that I vent my frustration at having someone pull that card with ME. It hurt. A lot. I try to be respectful of most everyone (except for maybe extreme liberals because they're generally just idiots), and to not judge them based on the color of their skin. I try to look past outward appearances in all cases, not just in cases of skin color, to the person INSIDE. I have to admit, I am deeply saddened to see - to learn - that this friend sees ME as a white girl instead of as a human being. Here, _____, you can have The Race Card back. I don't want it. Save for the next "injustice" you see.

Time for a Public Announcement

So, I suppose the time has come for me to come clean. I've tried to keep from sharing but as this thing progresses, it gets harder to hide.

And...for those of you who think I'm about to spill news of a pregnancy...well...get that little thought right out of your minds!

So, here's the big announcement: I'm having brain surgery! [Doesn't that sound like fun?]

[Excerpts from National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke]

What are Chiari malformations?

Chiari malformations (CMs) are structural defects in the cerebellum, the part of the brain that controls balance. Normally the cerebellum and parts of the brain stem sit in an indented space at the lower rear of the skull, above the foramen magnum (a funnel-like opening to the spinal canal). When part of the cerebellum is located below the foramen magnum, it is called a Chiari malformation.

CMs may develop when the bony space is smaller than normal, causing the cerebellum and brain stem to be pushed downward into the foramen magnum and into the upper spinal canal. The resulting pressure on the cerebellum and brain stem may affect functions controlled by these areas and block the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)— the clear liquid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord—to and from the brain.

How are they classified?
Type I involves the extension of the cerebellar tonsils (the lower part of the cerebellum) into the foramen magnum, without involving the brain stem. Normally, only the spinal cord passes through this opening. Type I—which may not cause symptoms—is the most common form of CM and is usually first noticed in adolescence or adulthood, often by accident during an examination for another condition. Type I is the only type of CM that can be acquired.

[End excerpts]

I have Type I Chiari malformation. I was first diagnosed about 12 years ago after a bout with severe occipital migraines with vision impairment. It is still unknown whether the CM was actually to blame for those migraines, which resolved after several rounds of trigger-point injections into the occipital area of my head.

Fast-forward to July 2012.

I crawl into bed one night, close my eyes and suddenly feel as though I'm riding the Gravitron and I can't make it stop. I spend the next several days bouncing in and out of dizzy whirlwinds that don't actually exist. Within a few more days, I notice that it feels like my heart is skipping beats. Basically, I feel: beat---beat---beat---pause------------------beat-beat-beat---beat---beat. This heart thing always happens when I'm dizzy but I can be dizzy and not notice the heart thing. Did that make sense? Anyway, I decided to see the doctor who refers me to a Cardiologist. Diagnosis: Vertigo and Premature Ventricular Contractions. Both "no big deal."

November rolls around and I'm still dizzy a good part of the time and I've been having this niggling little headache. Not like, "I need a tylenol" headache or anything, just more of a "can my head just stop hurting already?!" headache. One day late in the month, I drive over to see my mom at work on my lunch break. 5.0 miles away. I have made the drive hundreds of times over the 14 years I've had a drivers' license. I make 3 wrong turns trying to return to work. At each point, nothing - NOTHING - in my surroundings seems familiar. I finally pull over into a parking lot and use the GPS on my phone to lead me back to work. I would go on to experience several more instances of geographical confusion; eventually using GPS to drive pretty much anywhere.

In January, I make a doctor's appointment for a complete physical. My PCP refers me to a neurologist in Raleigh. Over the next several weeks, I experience lots of testing:

• MRI: Confirmed Chiari Type I. It is this Neurologist's opinion that Chiari is asymptomatic.
• VNG: Diagnosed with 45% Vestibular Loss of Function in left ear. - This Neurologist thinks this is to blame for the dizziness. Prescribes Vestibular Therapy.
• Sleep Study: Diagnosed with sleep apnea with an AHI of 65. This Neurologist thinks this is to blame for fatigue, headaches and confusion. Prescribes CPAP.

In March, I start the therapy for the Vestibular issue. Within 3 weeks of beginning therapy, my nystagmus is worsening, I am having full-blown occipital migraines, and my dizziness symptoms have become so severe that at times, I have trouble walking without supporting myself with a wall or person. I see two separate therapists during this time frame. The first, who does eye testing on me, says, basically, that he is leaning towards this being a "central issue" rather than caused by the vestibular function issue. The other, who does a balance test on me, recommends I see a neurosurgeon with haste believing firmly that the Chiari is to blame.

I have a follow-up with the Neurologist who ordered all those test & made all those decisions. She makes me feel like a hypochondriac and tries to push pills down my throat. At the insistence of a friend at work, I sought a referral for a second opinion.

Somewhere along in this mix, I start having difficulties with "word finding" - I struggle to find the words I'm looking for, or sometimes just say the wrong thing altogether.

Enter: Dr. Justin Mhoon, MD, Chair of the Neurology Division at Duke's Department of Neurology. Dr. Mhoon examines me, spends about 35 minutes talking to me, and orders an MRI with SINE study. This test takes approximately 2 hours. It is an MRI of my head, brain, c-spine and t-spine, with a test to determine the flow of spinal fluid in and around those areas scanned. Results: 1. Findings of Chiari type I malformation with approximately 1.1 cm cerebellar tonsillar ectopy. CSF flow study demonstrates diminished flow posterior to the cerebellum and within the distal jugular system. No cord syrinx is identified.

Dr. Mhoon refers me to a Duke Neurosurgeon and an ENT. After a complete ENT workup that was pointless [Yes, Ms. Hall, you do have a confirmed 45% loss of vestibular function, however, it appears that your brain has already compensated for that loss of function and therapy would not be beneficial to you], I had a consult with Dr. Bagley, Director of Neurosurgery for Duke.

And, sooo, I say all of that to say this:

Sometimes I don't feel well. Sometimes the room is spinning around me. Sometimes I need to use my GPS to drive home from work. Sometimes I really just need to hide and take a nap. Sometimes I just need you to pray for me to have a better day. Sometimes I stumble. Sometimes I catch myself and sometimes I even fall. Sometimes I call the microwave a dishwasher and the can opener a toaster. Sometimes I get mad that you drank all the milk when we're out of bread. Sometimes I'll ask you to put my purse in the sink when there isn't a sink in sight. Sometimes I will forget things that I did or said. Sometimes I will feel like I'm choking or can't get enough air even when there's nothing wrong. Sometimes I won't be able to pick up that paperclip or peel that sticker off my apple. Sometimes it will take all of my energy just to lift my arms.

Please don't judge me. Over the next few months, I will progressively get worse as I have since this time a year ago; so if I say something stupid to you, please just smile and nod like it made perfect sense. And, please remember me in your prayers as December approaches. Surgery is scheduled for December 2 at Duke.

Thank you.