He’s little. He’s pretty sure you hung the moon. You’ve always
been frequently present.
And then, suddenly, you aren’t there anymore.
You don’t call him. You don’t text him. (You can do both,
you know. His iPad has iMessage and FaceTime and you have an iPhone. You don’t
even have to go through his parents to do so.) You visit once or twice a month,
for 10 or 15 minutes, when it’s convenient for you.
For a young child, it is the equivalent of a parental
divorce with a bad custody arrangement. It doesn’t matter who you are to him.
You could be mom’s or dad’s significant other. You could be the nanny. You
could be big brother, big sister, cousin, Aunt, or Uncle. You could be Grandma
or Grandpa. Your blood connection is irrelevant to a child. Their heart
connection to you is what matters to them; and unfortunately for children, they
love without reservation.
But when he asks why you aren’t there, do NOT expect
dishonesty. I will not lie because it makes you feel better about yourself. You
have yet to be open and honest with us about why you CHOSE not to be there. We
only have the answer you gave us. And that is the answer we will give him. We
will not allow you to blame him, for he is only a child and his mind changes
with the wind.
And when he cries and tells me that he feels angry and hurt
and like you don’t come and don’t call because you don’t love him, I will NOT
defend you and I will NOT invalidate his feelings. They are his feelings, and
if I invalidate them now, he will not learn to trust his own feelings as he
grows and matures. It’s no different than when he gets angry and acts out. He’s
allowed to BE angry, he isn’t allowed to get away with acting out. So, when he’s
crying because he feels angry and hurt and unloved by your actions, or rather
by your inaction, I will hold him. I will snuggle him. I will love on him and tell him
that *I* love him. I will tell him that Jesus loves him. And I will tell him
that I’m sorry that you don’t make time to see him or talk to him; and I will
ask him to forgive you because if he doesn’t, it will only hurt him worse to
hold onto that anger and hurt.
